Second-hand Sorrows
by goandneverlookback
Summary: A shitty one shot I'll probably rewrite later about Zoe finding Connor TW: mentions of suicide
1. i will sing no requiem tonight

Just a typical evening at the Murphy household: Mom making whatever dinner fits her current fad, Dad getting home at precisely 6:47pm, me doing homework at the kitchen table, and Connor in his room, either moping or smoking a joint. Frankly, I never cared what he was doing in there, as long as he wasn't out here screaming at me about who knows what. _Troubled_ , Mom called him. _Complicated._ Anything to try and maintain the perfect family image in her mind. Anyways, Dad had just gotten home and the lasagna was just beginning to brown on top. Mom sent me to go get Connor, as he hadn't come when she'd called down the hall. Typical. I knock on the closed door and prepare for the returning screams. They never come. "Connor? Mom says it's time for dinner." Still no answer. I cautiously open the door a fraction. Nothing. I open it all the way and see…him. I suppose I should feel more than I do, seeing my brother sprawled across his bedroom floor, an empty pill bottle and my razor dismantled beside him. I'd been looking for that. Emotionlessly, I cross the room and kneel beside him, placing my hand on his chest. It's…cold. _Dammit, Connor. You finally did it._ I check for a pulse, first the non mutilated wrist and then the side of the neck. Nothing. He's gone. I sit there beside him, feeling no sense of loss. The brother I loved was gone a long time ago, replaced by this…monster. To say I'm relieved is an overstated. But then again, to say I'm sad would be an overstatement as well. I simply feel…nothing. Slowly, I stand up and take a deep breath. Mom and Dad are going to be…well, even with everything else that's happened, he's still the favorite child. The prized son. I'm nothing but an afterthought. Shutting the door behind me, I return to the kitchen. Mom and Dad both turn to look at me. Mom asks if Connor's coming. I try to transform my face into anything but the deadpan it is. "Connor's dead."


	2. the monster that i knew

Moonlight streams through the window as Evan blinks the sleep from his eyes, trying to determine what woke him. A faint whimper reaches his ears and he turns to the beautiful girl lying beside him. A sheen of cold sweat glistens on her pale face, pinched from the terror of whatever her nightmares may hold. Even in her restless sleep, a few tears spill out to cling to her long, fluttering eyelashes. "Zoe, hey...it's alright." Evan cautiously lays a hand on Zoe's shoulder and she flinches violently. "Zoe, it's just me. Wake up." At last her eyes fly open, terror clouding her vision until Evan's face begins to register in the pale moonlight. Panic fades from her eyes as tears stream down her cheeks, turning on her side to burrow her face in Evan's chest. He wraps his arms around her, holding her close. Gradually, her shaky breaths slow and deepen until a trembling whisper crosses her lips.  
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I know he's gone. I know he's _been_ gone. I should be okay. Why am I not okay?" As he strokes her hair, Evan's heart aches for Zoe, wishing he knew what to say to make things alright.  
"Connor was hurting, but that's know excuse for the way he treated you. That's not something that goes away overnight." He feels her head shaking in agreement against his chest.  
"During the day, I'm okay. I know that you're here and I'm safe. But then I fall asleep and he's still there, right there, screaming, threatening to kill me, doing as much damage as he could get away with before mom and dad ran out of excuses." Silence fills the air as Evan wars with what to say, Zoe lost in the thoughts and memories of her brother.  
"For as long as I am here, no one is going to hurt you. It'll all be alright in the end." The lie tastes sour and repulsive as it crosses his lips. No matter how hard he tries to pretend, it will never be the truth. Zoe falls asleep in his arms, calmed and comforted by his tough, while Evan lays awake, dreading the day he can no longer hide he truth.


	3. she's singing again

_"_ _I think the day I realized I was getting better with my depression was the day I was making cookies and humming the words to a Disney song and the conversation in the living room stopped and then I heard my mom sniff and very shakily whisper to my grandma, "she's singing again."" -tumblr (wolfwithafoxtail)_

It was a Wednesday. Zoe was making dinner, just as she had every Wednesday since the one when she'd found Connor. It's been four months since her and Evan's…breakup. Four long, silent months for Cynthia, watching her spunky, outspoken daughter retreat into a quiet, reserved shell of herself. To call it a breakup would make it sound so mild. Evan's confession had hit the entire family hard, but seemed to affect Zoe the most. Everything she'd come to believe, hope in even, over the past ten months had been nothing but a lie. Ironically enough, she'd come to understand her brother better in the past four months rather than the last four years of his life. Cynthia was terrified. Would Zoe follow her brother down the same self-destructive path? Would she forever shut out the world as he had? Would the silence that filled their home become permanent? She couldn't bear to lose another child. Larry waffled with what to do. He wanted to help, to do what he hadn't been able to with Connor. But he also wanted to ignore everything that was happening, to pretend like his family wasn't on the verge of falling apart again. Zoe was drowning, simultaneously feeling everything and nothing at all. She began to understand Connor's darkness, and she found she was not alone. She could see how alone Connor had felt, but she could also see the differences. Even as children, Connor had always had a greater potential for anger. Zoe had had the quicker temper, but Connor became furious and took longer to calm down. As they got older, something in Connor had changed. He was angry at the world, and Zoe wasn't exempt from that. Zoe couldn't blame the world, not when she could see so many others doing so well. So Zoe blamed herself. She blamed herself for not knowing how to help Connor more, for believing all of Evan's lies, for falling so head over heels in love with him. Even the kids in jazz band noticed things had changed. When school started again in the fall, Zoe played the notes on the page. She took less chances, questioned less, challenged less. She was still good. She was still amazing, but what had made her special was missing. To the rest of the world, Zoe Murphy was disappearing. And she was, to some extent. Zoe dove into everything that had gone wrong, searching for understanding, reconciliation, redemption. The list of Connor's ten favorite books—she read them all. Memoirs about depression and suicidal ideation, memoirs about anxiety and books about trees—she devoured them. With each page she turned, Zoe remembered how to live. Time passed, filled with hours and hours of books and countless trips to the library, and gradually things begin to change. Slowly, just a hint every once in a while. A miniscule riff in jazz band. A subtly argumentative question in psychology. And then, for the first time in months, a soft melody over the stovetop. In the adjacent living room, Cynthia Murphy pauses, eyes filling with tears as the beautiful melody whispered to her, _"we're gonna be okay."_


End file.
